Xmas Time Jokes

[tankerville]

Christmas Eve a drunk turns up for Midnight Mass he wobbles down the isle falls over three times then goes into an empty confessional.

The Priest goes in and clears his throat to signal he's waiting for drunk to start his confession..Nothing.

Again the Priest loudly coughs and clears his throat..again Nothing.

He's getting angry now so bangs on the screen.

The drunk wakes with all the noise and shouts back.

It's No good banging on the wall mate there's no paper in this one either.!!

[Lord Elpus]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.



She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.



She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.



The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.



"Yes, answered the Instructor.



"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?



---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!

[tankerville]

A man decides to spend £5.000 to have a face lift on his 50th birthday. He's pleased with the results when he walks past the Newspaper stand, He asks the guy there.

How old do you think I am?

About 35 came the reply..No I'm 50.

Feeling great he decides to have Lunch at McDonalds

When they lady came with his order he said to her...How old do you think I am ?

Well I would say around 28 years of age.

No I'm not I am 50 years old.

Standing at the Bus stop he asks a woman there the same question.

She said I'm 85 years old but when I was young I could tell a man's age by feeling his penis.

He thought a while about this, and as there was no one around he invited the woman to guess.

She put her hand down his pants and played with it for 5 minutes.

Your 50 years old.

Correct But how on earth did you know that?

I was sitting behind you in McDonalds

[tankerville]

This guy rushes to the reception desk in the hotel he hits his elbow into this young womans breast.

Both quite shocked.

He said I'm so sorry but if your heart is as soft as your breast. I know you will forgive me.

She said..If your penis is hard as your elbow.

I'm in room 256.

[tankerville]

Here's one for all you sport's fan's.

Question.


Who was the last person to Box.........Rocky Marciarno ?


His Undertaker..

[tankerville]

A young lad gained employment as a Trainee Zoo Keeper on his first day he's cleaning the aquarium when a big fish comes and bites his arm.

He loses his temper and quickly kills it.

Realising what he's done he hide's the fish in a wheel-barrow.

Making his way to feed the Chimpanzees two attack him and crap all over him he picks up a shovel and batter's both of them to death, panic sets in so they go in the wheel-barrow with the fish.

A Keeper comes along asking him to collect honey from the Africa Killer Bee's Hive's.

Attacked again.

The same thing again happens hundreds of bees lay dead on the ground.

So he squashes them all up puts them in a bag and takes them away with him.

Now wondering how he's going to get rid of all of them. Fish. Chimpanzees. Bee's and keep his job.

'I know'.. I'll feed them to the Lion's they'll eat anything, so he throws the lot over into their encloser.

Later in the day a new lion is brought into the den.

What's it like here ?.. Good.  How's the food ? Excellent . Today we had.

Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees !!!

[tankerville]

The Three Wise Men go into the stable to see the new born child.

The exceptionally tall one walked straight into a low beam and shouted; Jesus Christ

Joseph turned to Mary and said quick write that name down.

It sounds better than Basil !!

[Lord Elpus]

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS   

1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

[rabbit]

A rabbit walked into a bar and said to the bar man "got any carrots?" the bar man said "sorry mate no"

The next day the rabbit went into the bar again and said "got any carrots?" the bar man said "no"

The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said "got any carrots?" the bar man said "NO!"

The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said "got any carrots?" and the bar man said "this is your last warning not to ask for carrots again............. NOOOOO!!!"

The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said got any carrots?" the bar man said "ask again and I will pin your ears to the floor"

The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said "got any pins?" the bar man said "no"

The rabbit said "good, got any carrots then:?"

[tankerville]

A guy goes round to see his Grandad who's sitting in the garden with no trousers on, what the hell are you doing Granda sitting there naked from the waist down ?.

It's your Grandma's idea I sat out here yesterday with no shirt on.

And I got a stiff neck !

[tankerville]

A young guy very much in love had WENDY put on his member, only the W & Y were visable till aroused.

They married and went on Honeymoon to Jamaica.

In need of the Restroom he was standing next to this big black guy at the urinal, looked down and noticed he  had  W.Y. on his penis.

He asked the guy is your girlfriend called Wendy?

NO MAN.

Mine say's;

Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day Man.

[tankerville]

Heaven was getting full one day so God said to St Peter only let those in who have had a really bad day.

Two guy's arrived at the gates of heaven.

The first said I was doing my aerobics on the balcony 26th floor slipped off and managed to cling on to the balcony below.

Then this maniac who lived in the flat below came home who thought I was seeing his wife and hit my fingers with a hammer.

I fell 25 floors and landed in some bushes.. Lucky to be alive.

Then this maniac pushed a refrigerator over the balcony and it landed on top of me killing me stone dead.

Wow you have had a terrible day.. Come on In.

Turning to the other man St Peter asked.

What kind of day have you had??

Well I was hiding in this refrigerator !!

[tankerville]

Husband takes his wife to hospital to have her baby delivered, the doctor tells them there's a new machine just been installed it transfers the pain to the father by radio waves and makes the birth easier for the mother.

The husband agree's so they crank it up to 10% he feels no pain, the doctor says to him I can increase it more but it will hurt, or it could prove fatal.

No problem; So he cranks it up 20%. 30%. 40%  50%  60%  the doctor says this is incredible.

She has a little baby boy totally pain free.

They return home and find the milkman dead on the doorstep!