Xmas Time Jokes

[tankerville]

Two Nun's were carrying a boot full of illegal moonshine whisky across the border, the nun in the passenger seat was getting more and more nervous.

Don't worry we're Nun's they're not going to stop us.

Just then the border guard started to walk toward's the car.

A state of panic set in....He's Coming over... Look..look.

We're Nun's.. Show him your cross, show him your cross.

She wound the window down and shouted at the top of her voice...p**s OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE

[tankerville]

A guy goes to see his doctor for his annual physical, the doctor examines him and tells him..

I'm sorry but you only have three weeks to live.

But I feel fine, Isn't there anything you can do doctor?

Well you could start going to the Mud Bath's down the street everyday.

Will that cure me doctor?

No it won't.

But It'll get you used to the dirt.

[tankerville]

A very posh woman lets her spoilt daughter marry a down to earth brickie, having returned from their Honeymoon the bride rings her mother.

Mother he's using four letter words all the time, I have no idea what they mean.

Her mother can tell she's distressed.

Tell me daughter what four letter words is he using.

SHOP. COOK. DUST. IRON.

I'll come and collect you now..

[tankerville]

A little old man is lying on his death bed with only minutes to live.

He asks his wife..

Tell me truthfully we have Three Son's all Tall Blond and good looking yet the other son is short fat & ugly not at all like the other three.

His he my child?

I won't be angry even if he's not my child.

She replies.. He is your child and I'll swear on my Mothers grave that it's true.

He passes away with a contented smile on his face.

She's now sweating buckets saying under her breath...

Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.

[tankerville]

He's one of Stan Boardman rememberr him??

A Butcher Friend lost all his customers when a Supermarket opened.

He put all the meat in the freezer and turned the Butchers into an Antique Shop.

The shop did next to No Trade.

So he took a leg out of the freezer and put in the window..

A German walked in and said  Voss is Dat? That's Admiral Nelson's Leg.  Zee Price costing please.

To you Sir £20.00 Gud i vil hav it.

He walk's past the next day and there in the window is an eye.. again goes in the shop asking what it is that is Admiral Nelson's Eye..

He buys it for £20.00. quite pleased with himself.

The next day he sees two large potatoes in the window.. You is Yoking wiv me they are not Admiral Nelson's.

No said the shopkeeper theyr'e KING EDWARDS..

[notenoughsaid]

   Just to join in with the fun.....

    A man applies for a manual job with Hartlepool Borough Council and attends for an interview.  He turns up smart and prompt and he is asked a few questions including if he has any disabilities.He informs the the interviewer that he lost his testicles in a motor cycle accident some years ago.    He was informed that that was no problem. Asked if he had any other medical problems he stated he had a caffeine allergy.
Again that was no problem.

  On completion of the interview he was informed that the job was his and that the hours would be 8a.m. x 4p.m. and that he should start at 10 a.m.   He asked why and stated that he wanted no special treatment.

   The interviewer promptly told him "this is the council   we stand about for the first two hours drinking coffee and scratching our B***s so you may as well have a late start"!!!!


   All the best to one and all. No disrespect intended to the work force.

[tankerville]

A beautiful blonde was at a London bus stop wearing a very tight mini skirt, when the bus pulled up she could'nt get on, she hitched her skirt higher but stiil could'nt board.

She reached behind and pulled down the zip, still no luck, she did it again, and again.

This Texan picked her up and put her on the bus.

She went balistic...How dare you do that to me she fumed.

What gives you the right to handle me that way?

Well Ma-am..

You pulled down my fly three times I figured you wanted us to be friends..

[tankerville]

A woman is stopped on the A19 for speeding.

The officer asks to see her documents.

I don't have any officer.

I've been banned four times for drunk driving.

'Well' Is this your car Madam?

No. it's stolen.

I've killed the man who owned it.

I've cut his body up and put into plastic bags in the boot.

The officer thinking he's got an escaped maniac on his hands, calls for back up.

Five cars arrive, blue lights, sirens screaming.

The Senior Officer approaches the woman and ask's.

Is this your car Madam? ..Yes Officer. Do you have any documents? Yes officer, handing them over.

What's in the boot Madam?  Nothing officer,  opening it to show him that it was empty.

The officer told us the car was stolen, you had no documentation, had four conviction's for drunk driving, and you had killed owner of the car and his body chopped up in the boot.

He's Just a lying B******d... I bet he told you I was speeding as well.

[Stevef]

I heard that Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

[Stevef]

Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

[Stevef]

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
While the Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
While the Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[tankerville]

A little boy hears a noise from his parents bedroom and walks in to find them making love.

Daddy what are you doing to Mummy?

I'm making you a little baby sister.

Hell No:

Do it Doggy Style.... I want a Puppy.

[titch]

Bloke is called up into the Israeli Army,he is doing his parachute training but wont jump out the plane.The instructor said if you dont i will f**k you up the a**e.His mate said did you jump,yes was the reply but only on the first few strokes.

[tankerville]

A woman dies and at her funeral the pall bearers knock the coffin against the wall of the chapel of rest, then they hear a low moan coming from the coffin, they put it down and open it up, to find she's still alive.

Ten years later she dies 'again' as they're taking the coffin into the chapel of rest.

Her husband shout's... Mind out for that Bloody Wall..

[Lord Elpus]

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"