Xmas Time Jokes

[steveL]

It's that time of year again. Do try and keep them clean (ish) - anything overtly offensive will be made to disappear.

Here's my starters for 10 that I've been sent lately:

Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ar** are interchangeable."

[steveL]

A rabbit walks into a pub and  says to the barman, " Can I have  a pint of beer, and a Ham  and Cheese Toastie, please ? "
The  barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a  ham and cheese  toastie.
The  rabbit drinks the beer and  eats the toastie. He then  leaves.The following  night the rabbit returns and  again asks for a pint of beer,  and a Ham and Cheese  Toastie.  The  barman, now intrigued by the rabbit  and the extra drinkers  in the pub, (because  word gets round),  gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie.  The rabbit  consumes them and leaves.

The next  night, the  pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and  says, 'A pint  of beer and a Ham and Cheese  Toastie,  please  barman.'   

The crowd is hushed as the barman  gives the rabbit  his pint and toastie, and then burst into  applause as the  rabbit wolfs them down

The next night  there is  standing room only in the pub. Coaches have  been  laid on for the crowds of patrons  attending. The  barman is  making more money in one week than he did all last  year 

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and  a  Ham and Cheese Toastie,  please  barman.

The barman says, 'I'm sorry  rabbit, old mate,  old mucker, but we are right out  of them Ham and Cheese  Toasties...' 

The  rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has  quietened to  almost a whisper, when the barman clears  his throat  nervously and says, 'We  do have a very nice Cheese and Onion  Toastie.'

The  rabbit  looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will  like  it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do  you  think that I would let down one of my best friends. I  know  you'll  love  it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit,  'I'll have a pint of beer  and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'  The pub erupts with  glee as the rabbit quaffs  the beer and guzzles the toastie. 

He  then waves  to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO   RETURN!!!!!! 

One year later, in the  now  impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only  served 4  drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls  time. When  he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he  sees a small white  form,  floating  above the bar.. 

The  barman  says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,   

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night  and  have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.  Masses came to  see you and this place was famous.'The  rabbit  says, 'Yes I know..' The barman said, 'I   remember, on your last night we didn't have any  Ham and  Cheese Toasties. You  had a Cheese and Onion one  instead.'

The rabbit said,  'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The  barman said, 'You never came back,  what happened?'

'I  DIED', said  the  rabbit. 

'NO!'  said  the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the   rabbit said...

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[stokoe]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear- splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel!'

[tankerville]

A guy boards an aircraft and finds a dog sitting on the next seat to him, he said to the owner I thought dogs were'nt allowed on here? He's my partner I work for the D.E.A. ' Drug Enforcement Agency'. I go everywhere with him.

The dog went for a walk came back and taps his handler three times...

What is he doing that for?

Well he's telling me that him near the window has Cocaine on his person I arrest him when we land.

After a while he goes for another walk comes back again and taps his handler twice on the leg.

What now..See her near the door she has drugs hidden on her person.. Amazing.

Once more the dog went for a walk ran back and dumped a load on the owners lap.

What's that all about?

He's telling me,,There's a Bomb on the Plane....

[Lord Elpus]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Lord Elpus]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar......

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

[Lord Elpus]

I was in the supermarket last night, and some git threw a block of cheese at me.





"That's mature!" I thought.

[rabbit]

I like the rabbit one!. I did pop into the Pink Dom now and then.

[Lord Elpus]

nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

*Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.

*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.
*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out.

And lastly

There was a stevedore at Ramsgate harbour whose mates called him "The Ailing Crab" -- He was always taking time off because one of his nippers was poorly

[Lord Elpus]

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying,

"No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said,

"How about you Mr. Cameron?"

Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife wouldn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

[Lord Elpus]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I go fishing."

[Lord Elpus]

What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a kangaroot?




One is a marsupial .........



and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

[tankerville]

5o Travellers get to the Gates of Heaven St Peter said to them Right you lot stop fighting and wait there.

Off he goes to see God.

I've got 50 travellers knocking Hell out of each other outside the gates.. What should I do?

Let 20 of them in..

O/K and off he goes.

Comes back ten minutes later informs God... They've gone !

What all 50 of them..

No The Gates..

[steveL]

  liked that one

[tankerville]

Straight out of a Christmas cracker..

A bloke walks into a shop and says...Can I have a wasp please!

We don't sell wasps sir.

Well you had one in the window yesterday.. Boom.. boom