It's that time of year again. Do try and keep them clean (ish) - anything overtly offensive will be made to disappear.
Here's my starters for 10 that I've been sent lately:
Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.
The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when I open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ar** are interchangeable."
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.'
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex.
This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear- splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel!'
A guy boards an aircraft and finds a dog sitting on the next seat to him, he said to the owner I thought dogs were'nt allowed on here? He's my partner I work for the D.E.A. ' Drug Enforcement Agency'. I go everywhere with him.
The dog went for a walk came back and taps his handler three times...
What is he doing that for?
Well he's telling me that him near the window has Cocaine on his person I arrest him when we land.
After a while he goes for another walk comes back again and taps his handler twice on the leg.
What now..See her near the door she has drugs hidden on her person.. Amazing.
Once more the dog went for a walk ran back and dumped a load on the owners lap.
What's that all about?
He's telling me,,There's a Bomb on the Plane....
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar......
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."
I was in the supermarket last night, and some git threw a block of cheese at me.
"That's mature!" I thought.
I like the rabbit one!. I did pop into the Pink Dom now and then.
nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:
*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
*Norrie Two Bonnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).
*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '
*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.
*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.
*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'
*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..
*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.
*The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'
*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out.
And lastly
There was a stevedore at Ramsgate harbour whose mates called him "The Ailing Crab" -- He was always taking time off because one of his nippers was poorly
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying,
"No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said,
"How about you Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead, my wife wouldn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I go fishing."
What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One is a marsupial .........
and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
5o Travellers get to the Gates of Heaven St Peter said to them Right you lot stop fighting and wait there.
Off he goes to see God.
I've got 50 travellers knocking Hell out of each other outside the gates.. What should I do?
Let 20 of them in..
O/K and off he goes.
Comes back ten minutes later informs God... They've gone !
What all 50 of them..
No The Gates..
;D ;D liked that one
Straight out of a Christmas cracker..
A bloke walks into a shop and says...Can I have a wasp please!
We don't sell wasps sir.
Well you had one in the window yesterday.. Boom.. boom
Two Nun's were carrying a boot full of illegal moonshine whisky across the border, the nun in the passenger seat was getting more and more nervous.
Don't worry we're Nun's they're not going to stop us.
Just then the border guard started to walk toward's the car.
A state of panic set in....He's Coming over... Look..look.
We're Nun's.. Show him your cross, show him your cross.
She wound the window down and shouted at the top of her voice...p**s OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE
A guy goes to see his doctor for his annual physical, the doctor examines him and tells him..
I'm sorry but you only have three weeks to live.
But I feel fine, Isn't there anything you can do doctor?
Well you could start going to the Mud Bath's down the street everyday.
Will that cure me doctor?
No it won't.
But It'll get you used to the dirt.
A very posh woman lets her spoilt daughter marry a down to earth brickie, having returned from their Honeymoon the bride rings her mother.
Mother he's using four letter words all the time, I have no idea what they mean.
Her mother can tell she's distressed.
Tell me daughter what four letter words is he using.
SHOP. COOK. DUST. IRON.
I'll come and collect you now..
A little old man is lying on his death bed with only minutes to live.
He asks his wife..
Tell me truthfully we have Three Son's all Tall Blond and good looking yet the other son is short fat & ugly not at all like the other three.
His he my child?
I won't be angry even if he's not my child.
She replies.. He is your child and I'll swear on my Mothers grave that it's true.
He passes away with a contented smile on his face.
She's now sweating buckets saying under her breath...
Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.
He's one of Stan Boardman rememberr him??
A Butcher Friend lost all his customers when a Supermarket opened.
He put all the meat in the freezer and turned the Butchers into an Antique Shop.
The shop did next to No Trade.
So he took a leg out of the freezer and put in the window..
A German walked in and said Voss is Dat? That's Admiral Nelson's Leg. Zee Price costing please.
To you Sir £20.00 Gud i vil hav it.
He walk's past the next day and there in the window is an eye.. again goes in the shop asking what it is that is Admiral Nelson's Eye..
He buys it for £20.00. quite pleased with himself.
The next day he sees two large potatoes in the window.. You is Yoking wiv me they are not Admiral Nelson's.
No said the shopkeeper theyr'e KING EDWARDS..
Just to join in with the fun.....
A man applies for a manual job with Hartlepool Borough Council and attends for an interview. He turns up smart and prompt and he is asked a few questions including if he has any disabilities.He informs the the interviewer that he lost his testicles in a motor cycle accident some years ago. He was informed that that was no problem. Asked if he had any other medical problems he stated he had a caffeine allergy.
Again that was no problem.
On completion of the interview he was informed that the job was his and that the hours would be 8a.m. x 4p.m. and that he should start at 10 a.m. He asked why and stated that he wanted no special treatment.
The interviewer promptly told him "this is the council we stand about for the first two hours drinking coffee and scratching our B***s so you may as well have a late start"!!!!
All the best to one and all. No disrespect intended to the work force.
A beautiful blonde was at a London bus stop wearing a very tight mini skirt, when the bus pulled up she could'nt get on, she hitched her skirt higher but stiil could'nt board.
She reached behind and pulled down the zip, still no luck, she did it again, and again.
This Texan picked her up and put her on the bus.
She went balistic...How dare you do that to me she fumed.
What gives you the right to handle me that way?
Well Ma-am..
You pulled down my fly three times I figured you wanted us to be friends..
A woman is stopped on the A19 for speeding.
The officer asks to see her documents.
I don't have any officer.
I've been banned four times for drunk driving.
'Well' Is this your car Madam?
No. it's stolen.
I've killed the man who owned it.
I've cut his body up and put into plastic bags in the boot.
The officer thinking he's got an escaped maniac on his hands, calls for back up.
Five cars arrive, blue lights, sirens screaming.
The Senior Officer approaches the woman and ask's.
Is this your car Madam? ..Yes Officer. Do you have any documents? Yes officer, handing them over.
What's in the boot Madam? Nothing officer, opening it to show him that it was empty.
The officer told us the car was stolen, you had no documentation, had four conviction's for drunk driving, and you had killed owner of the car and his body chopped up in the boot.
He's Just a lying B******d... I bet he told you I was speeding as well.
I heard that Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
Only in England...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in England...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in England...do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
While the Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
While the Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
A little boy hears a noise from his parents bedroom and walks in to find them making love.
Daddy what are you doing to Mummy?
I'm making you a little baby sister.
Hell No:
Do it Doggy Style.... I want a Puppy.
Bloke is called up into the Israeli Army,he is doing his parachute training but wont jump out the plane.The instructor said if you dont i will f**k you up the a**e.His mate said did you jump,yes was the reply but only on the first few strokes.
A woman dies and at her funeral the pall bearers knock the coffin against the wall of the chapel of rest, then they hear a low moan coming from the coffin, they put it down and open it up, to find she's still alive.
Ten years later she dies 'again' as they're taking the coffin into the chapel of rest.
Her husband shout's... Mind out for that Bloody Wall..
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
Christmas Eve a drunk turns up for Midnight Mass he wobbles down the isle falls over three times then goes into an empty confessional.
The Priest goes in and clears his throat to signal he's waiting for drunk to start his confession..Nothing.
Again the Priest loudly coughs and clears his throat..again Nothing.
He's getting angry now so bangs on the screen.
The drunk wakes with all the noise and shouts back.
It's No good banging on the wall mate there's no paper in this one either.!!
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk?
---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught!
A man decides to spend £5.000 to have a face lift on his 50th birthday. He's pleased with the results when he walks past the Newspaper stand, He asks the guy there.
How old do you think I am?
About 35 came the reply..No I'm 50.
Feeling great he decides to have Lunch at McDonalds
When they lady came with his order he said to her...How old do you think I am ?
Well I would say around 28 years of age.
No I'm not I am 50 years old.
Standing at the Bus stop he asks a woman there the same question.
She said I'm 85 years old but when I was young I could tell a man's age by feeling his penis.
He thought a while about this, and as there was no one around he invited the woman to guess.
She put her hand down his pants and played with it for 5 minutes.
Your 50 years old.
Correct But how on earth did you know that?
I was sitting behind you in McDonalds
This guy rushes to the reception desk in the hotel he hits his elbow into this young womans breast.
Both quite shocked.
He said I'm so sorry but if your heart is as soft as your breast. I know you will forgive me.
She said..If your penis is hard as your elbow.
I'm in room 256.
Here's one for all you sport's fan's.
Question.
Who was the last person to Box.........Rocky Marciarno ????
His Undertaker..
A young lad gained employment as a Trainee Zoo Keeper on his first day he's cleaning the aquarium when a big fish comes and bites his arm.
He loses his temper and quickly kills it.
Realising what he's done he hide's the fish in a wheel-barrow.
Making his way to feed the Chimpanzees two attack him and crap all over him he picks up a shovel and batter's both of them to death, panic sets in so they go in the wheel-barrow with the fish.
A Keeper comes along asking him to collect honey from the Africa Killer Bee's Hive's.
Attacked again.
The same thing again happens hundreds of bees lay dead on the ground.
So he squashes them all up puts them in a bag and takes them away with him.
Now wondering how he's going to get rid of all of them. Fish. Chimpanzees. Bee's and keep his job.
'I know'.. I'll feed them to the Lion's they'll eat anything, so he throws the lot over into their encloser.
Later in the day a new lion is brought into the den.
What's it like here ?.. Good. How's the food ? Excellent . Today we had.
Fish & Chimps with Mushy Bees !!!
The Three Wise Men go into the stable to see the new born child.
The exceptionally tall one walked straight into a low beam and shouted; Jesus Christ
Joseph turned to Mary and said quick write that name down.
It sounds better than Basil !!
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS
1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
A rabbit walked into a bar and said to the bar man "got any carrots?" the bar man said "sorry mate no"
The next day the rabbit went into the bar again and said "got any carrots?" the bar man said "no"
The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said "got any carrots?" the bar man said "NO!"
The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said "got any carrots?" and the bar man said "this is your last warning not to ask for carrots again............. NOOOOO!!!"
The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said got any carrots?" the bar man said "ask again and I will pin your ears to the floor"
The next day the rabbit went into the bar and said "got any pins?" the bar man said "no"
The rabbit said "good, got any carrots then:?"
A guy goes round to see his Grandad who's sitting in the garden with no trousers on, what the hell are you doing Granda sitting there naked from the waist down ?.
It's your Grandma's idea I sat out here yesterday with no shirt on.
And I got a stiff neck !
A young guy very much in love had WENDY put on his member, only the W & Y were visable till aroused.
They married and went on Honeymoon to Jamaica.
In need of the Restroom he was standing next to this big black guy at the urinal, looked down and noticed he had W.Y. on his penis.
He asked the guy is your girlfriend called Wendy?
NO MAN.
Mine say's;
Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day Man.
Heaven was getting full one day so God said to St Peter only let those in who have had a really bad day.
Two guy's arrived at the gates of heaven.
The first said I was doing my aerobics on the balcony 26th floor slipped off and managed to cling on to the balcony below.
Then this maniac who lived in the flat below came home who thought I was seeing his wife and hit my fingers with a hammer.
I fell 25 floors and landed in some bushes.. Lucky to be alive.
Then this maniac pushed a refrigerator over the balcony and it landed on top of me killing me stone dead.
Wow you have had a terrible day.. Come on In.
Turning to the other man St Peter asked.
What kind of day have you had??
Well I was hiding in this refrigerator !!
Husband takes his wife to hospital to have her baby delivered, the doctor tells them there's a new machine just been installed it transfers the pain to the father by radio waves and makes the birth easier for the mother.
The husband agree's so they crank it up to 10% he feels no pain, the doctor says to him I can increase it more but it will hurt, or it could prove fatal.
No problem; So he cranks it up 20%. 30%. 40% 50% 60% the doctor says this is incredible.
She has a little baby boy totally pain free.
They return home and find the milkman dead on the doorstep!